Parshat Chayei Sara: The Shidduch Crisis
There is much discussion in the religious Jewish world about The Shidduch Crisis. For the uninitiated, The Shidduch Crisis refers to the (perceived) difficulty within the Orthodox Jewish community of finding appropriate marriage partners. It takes its name from Shidduch which means “a match” as in a match between a young man and woman, often through the agency of a Shadchan, a Matchmaker.
It turns out that this week’s parsha might have something to say about the issue and finding a spouse in general. Chayei Sara begins with the narration of Sara’s passing and Avraham’s purchase of the Machpela Cave in Hebron as a burial place for her. With the departure of the first of the foremothers, there is a “changing of the guard” as we focus on the next generation after Avraham and Sara. The only problem is that Avraham’s successor and son, Isaac is still single and he needs to find a wife to carry on the promises that God will make Avraham a great nation. As this was well before online dating and Shidduch Resumes (I know – don’t ask), it was the parents who were primarily involved in the matchmaking of their children.
Avraham was well on in years and couldn’t take care of this important task himself. Instead he appoints his trusted servant and right-hand man, Eliezer as his agent for this crucial mission. Avraham gives him clear instructions to go back to his home town to find a suitable young woman for Isaac.
So off goes Eliezer to a completely strange area with no GPS to guide him; however he does have the hand of God to show him the way. Indeed, recognizing the difficulty of his job, he asks God to give him a sign to point him in the right direction and to highlight who would be a suitable wife for Isaac. To this end he prays: Here I stand by the water-spring, and the daughters of the people of the city are coming out to draw water. It should be that the young woman to whom I ask, “Tip your pitcher so that I can have a drink” and who replies, “Drink, and I will also give water to your camels” – she will be the one that I know You have designated for Your servant, for Isaac.
And lo and behold, before he even finishes his prayer, Rebecca arrives with a jug of water on her shoulder, and when asked to give Eliezer a drink, does so and also offers to bring water for his camels as well – just as he prayed for and totally on script.
It should be so easy for all the singles out there. But even though most aren’t on the level of Eliezer working for an Avraham and receive instant answers to their prayers, there are still valuable lessons to be learnt from this event in one’s quest to find their beshert. Here are four insights that this event can teach about looking for the right one:
1. Check Out a Person’s Background. Avraham was all too familiar with his neighbors and he wasn’t impressed. Most likely because he just got through asking God to spare Sodom and Gemorrah hoping the place could rehab itself if there were enough righteous people. Alas, seeing there were not, it revealed to Avraham the type of values that dominated the area and forced him to conclude that he had to go elsewhere to find a mate for Isaac. Namely to his home town to find an appropriate wife for his son.
The effect that a community has on people is expressed by Maimonides who states, “A person is drawn after the ideas and actions of those around him in his locale.” We cannot escape it. To a large degree we are all a product of our family, our community, our city and our country. Hence, it’s important to check out a person’s origins to get a better context of who they are what makes them tick. Of course a person can rise above those influences, but one should always pay attention to the dominant traits of another’s environment to ensure that the intended has left those traits behind if they are negative ones, or adopted them if they are positive. So yeah, check out the family but keep in mind they might not share their mishigus.
2. Timing is Everything. Isaac wasn’t young when Avraham took this initiative for him. He was 37 and had just gotten off a sacrificial alter, literally. Avraham’s efforts for his son only began in earnest after the Akeidah where Avraham was told to sacrifice his son and was only prevented from doing so at the last minute. Needless to say it was a life-changing event for everyone involved and it made Avraham come to the stark realization that had God not stopped him, he would be bereft of children and progeny. He couldn’t delay any longer to find a wife for his son.
We don’t necessarily have these dramatic events to knock some sense of urgency into us, but too often singles just dilly-dally along when it comes to finding the right one. Time is a wastin’ away and it doesn’t wait for nobody to find what they’re after, Gordon Lightfoot once sang. Too many people just passively date and don’t actively seek a life partner, and before they know it the right person could have come and gone out of their lives. Or they might find someone who seems right and stick with them forever in a state of limbo of neither being totally single nor married; never pulling the trigger to get to the next step of marriage. Nobody is young forever, so when you feel the time is right to get married and/or have met the right person, get a move on!
3. See the Person For Who They Really Are. When Eliezer prayed, he wasn’t looking for an arbitrary sign from God but one that would tell him something invaluable about Rebecca’s character and qualities. Her response to his request for water displayed not only her trait of kindness, but that she was sensitive to the needs of his animals as well. She took the initiative to alleviate their thirst even though this was not asked of her.
Too often singles spend much time and effort focusing on inane issues having no bearing on a person’s true character. Their online profiles tell of the types of food they like, the music they listen to and that they are adventurous. And of course they like to take the proverbial long walks along the beach. As if any of these details have any bearing on whether or not you can build a meaningful and enjoyable life and future with this person.
When it comes to dating and seeking a beshert, learn to focus on the important issues and crucial qualities of the other. The only way to do that is by seeing them in real-life situations. Repeated visits for coffee at Starbucks isn’t real-life. Rather, take him to your sister who has a runny-nose toddler, plunk the kid on his lap and see how he reacts. Is it: “Ewww, this kid is messing up my brand new Massimo Dutti pants!” Or, “Cute kid. Got a tissue for him? Thanks, there we go…” as he wipes the snot from him. You want to see him or her in real-life situations not fake ones because guess what, most of marriage is real life.
4. And Finally – Pray. Don’t ask God to bring you the right one, because He will. Rather ask God to make sure that He opens your eyes and gives you the insight and awareness to recognize that he or she is the right one.
Learn from Eliezer so you don’t become part of The Shidduch Crisis.
Time has been wastin’ away
You know Time doesn’t wait for nobody to find what they’re after
It just keeps on rolling on down the deep canyons
And through the green meadows into the broad ocean
Girl of my dreams
You get better each day
-Gordon Lightfoot
