The Narcissist Next Door
But there’s a side to you
That I never knew, never knew
All the things you’d say
They were never true, never true
And the games you play
You would always win, always win…
Please indulge me as I go backwards a little and speak of last week’s Torah portion. (Sometimes ideas don’t come full circle in my head until it’s too late to get them down before Shabbat.) This is about a type of person that probably is or has been in each and every one of our lives… and that is The Narcissist. My guess is that every one of us knows or has known a Narcissist and has had some experience with him or her.
Last week’s Torah’s description of Lavan is a prime example of such a person. Lavan, if you recall, switched wives on Jacob on the wedding night and replaced his daughter, Leah for his other daughter, Rachel whom Jacob really loved. Jacob ended up having to work for 14 years for these women as “payment”. The problem was that after all these years, Jacob had not amassed any wealth for himself or his family as he was in essence working solely for Lavan for the right to marry his daughters. He subsequently makes a business agreement with his father-in-law and ends up doing quite well for himself, becoming very successful and wealthy. This in turns creates a strong sense of jealousy among Lavan and his sons towards Jacob. As a result, Jacob decides to take off and leave Lavan, but first consults with his wives.
One gets a good window into the type of person Lavan has been over the years by the reaction Rachel and Leah have when being told by Jacob of his wish to leave their father, their other siblings and the home and birthplace that is familiar to them:
And Rachel and Leah replied and said to him, “Do we still have a share or an inheritance in our father’s house? Are we not considered by him as strangers, for he sold us and also consumed our money.”
In essence, they wholeheartedly agree that their dad is a lying and cheating creep and that the best thing is to take off and get as far away from him as possible.
So off they go. Lavan gives chase once he hears they have taken flight and a showdown with Jacob ensues. After a bitter exchange, Jacob finally unloads on his father-in-law. One can feel the pent-up frustration of twenty years of abuse when he finally lets his father-in-law have it. “What is my crime?! What have I done wrong that you have hotly pursued me?!” We hear how during these twenty years Jacob would absorb any losses whenever the flock would get sick or die, that Lavan constantly changed Jacob’s wage and that Jacob would work endless hours for Lavan in the heat and cold. Twenty years of injustice, anger and rage from a wronged and wounded man came bursting forth at that moment when Jacob finally let Lavan have it.
And as I read this, I wondered, “What took him so long?” Why did Jacob wait for all this time before he finally told his father-in-law what he really thought of him and what a low-life he really was? The same question came to my mind about the recent news about Harvey Weinstein, Matt Lauer and the various artists and politicians whose bad and even criminal behavior is only now coming to light. What took so long? Why didn’t anyone speak up earlier?
The simple and obvious answer in Power – the accuser has very little and the accused has it all. Lavan controlled Jacob’s life for a long time – many years until Jacob got older, was married, had children, amassed his own wealth and finally grew independent and was no longer under Lavan’s thumb. The same can be said of these women who were at the whim of powerful men who controlled their future, their good and their welfare as they tried to get ahead in life and career.
But it goes beyond that. All these men are classical cases of males who have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Yes, such a thing really exists. It is much more than the average Joe with the average ego. People with NPD “have an excessive need for admiration, disregard for others’ feelings, an inability to handle any criticism, and a sense of entitlement”.And in order for the Narcissist to pull this off, he is very smart and clever at manipulating others for his desires, needs and exploitation. In fact, he is so good at deceiving, lying and changing the rules that he will leave you scratching your head and questioning yourself. This is why we read that the victimized women often feel shame and embarrassment as if they did something wrong when in truth it was fully the other party’s fault.
A typical reaction to a Narcissist’s change of rules, convincing manipulation and rewriting of past events is that we end up wondering, “Is that what happened? Is that what we agreed upon? Did I really say that?” That is because the Narcissist comes off as so honest, so decent, so well-meaning and will always claim that they are only acting on our behalf and interest. He is an expert at deception and probably believes his own lies as being the truth, and that completely throws us off.
It is no accident that the Torah’s Narcissist goes by the name of Lavan. Lavan is the Hebrew word for White. The Narcissist appears white, clean and pure. This sort of evil is not Hitler, the Joker or Darth Vader. This is Matt Lauer and Kevin Spacey – pristine, charming, likeable and with a fantastic smile. White as snow.
So what do we do? How do we deal with such people? There is only one solution and Jacob’s actions show us what that is: We flee, we take off. We separate. There is no working with such people. There is no compromise. A psychologist told me that in his profession the advice given in dealing with a Narcissist is to set boundaries. And indeed that is what Jacob and Lavan do at the end of the parsha when they make a formal agreement to literally not cross over a physical boundary to one another.
But here is the good news: Once you make that boundary and are firm about it, they will respect it and leave you. That is because once the Narcissist sees that he can no longer control you and he cannot use you to feed his endless manipulating ego, he will have no use for you anymore. Like magic, he will be gone. He will leave his place in your life, walk out the door and won’t return. And when that happens, not only will you be free from the cloud and darkness that he brought into your life, but more – the wonderful thing that happened to Jacob as soon as he left Lavan will happen to you as well: “And Jacob went on his way whereupon angels of God met up with him. And when Jacob saw them he declared, “This is a Godly place.'”
Once the Narcissist is out of your life, you will immediately feel the warmth, spirituality and goodness of God and His world once again. You will be back at a Godly place.
I set fire to the rain
And I threw us into the flames
When it fell, something died
‘Cause I knew that that was the last time, the last time