Parshat Vaetchanan: Tu B’Av – Praying for Love
Do you pray?
Let’s assume you do. So what do you pray for? Lemme guess. Health – בריאות in Hebrew. Yeah that’s a biggie. If you don’t have your health then the rest doesn’t mean much. How many times did you parents tell you that if you are healthy, then that is the main thing?
What else do you pray for? Wealth, Parnasah – making a livelihood? Yup, that is probably also way up there. The Talmud says that a poor person is like a dead person. When the pressures of putting food on the table are ever-present, similar to not having your health, the rest doesn’t mean much. It’s hard to think of higher purposes in life when the most basic ones are not being met. We read so many articles these days about people living paycheck to paycheck. As one woman put it this week in the Wall Street Journal, “It feels like I’ve been in survival mode my whole life. Worked and worked and worked.” Sad indeed.
But once we move beyond these basics, there are other things we want out of life and pray for. And they are often associated with family and relationships. Single people might be looking for a shidduch – a match. Searching for their Beshert or Zivug, a match made in heaven – literally.
Let’s continue on about relationships, and for good reason, because it’s in the air right now. This Shabbat is Tu B’Av – the 15th of the Hebrew month of Av. Tu B’Av is like Jewish Valentine’s Day.
The Talmud relates that in their time there was a major SpeedDating-like event that took place every Tu B’Av. A massive matchmaking occasion where single men and single women would go out to the fields to meet one another. It was under a full moon, as is the case in the middle of the month, adding to the whole theme of Romance. The Talmud describes what took place on Tu B’Av:
The attractive women among them would say (to the men), “Set your eyes on beauty, for the main trait of a wife is beauty.” Those from a prestigious family would say, “Focus your attention on family, for the main trait of a woman is producing children.” The unattractive ones would say, “Make your decision of whom to wed be ‘for the sake of heaven’ (i.e. for no ulterior motives) provided that you adorn us with golden jewelry.”
We will come back to this. But in the meantime, for those who are married let me ask you a question: How often do you pray for your marriage? Yes, pray for your marriage. Have you ever prayed for your marriage?
You probably prayed very had to find the right one. But have you ever prayed that the relationship should be great, now that you have found the right one? You probably had a laundry list of traits you were looking for in another and hoped fervently that you would find someone with all or most of them. But now that you have that person in your life, do you take him or her for granted? Have you stopped praying for the relationship to make sure it’s not mediocre? You prayed for love, passion and connection so many years ago – do you still pray for it now that you are 5, 10, 20, 37 years into the relationship/marriage?
If you aren’t, then that’s a problem. It shows that you don’t care. Because we only pray for those things that are near and dear to us and that we care about. We pray for our kids. We pray for health. We pray for livelihood. Do we pray for our marriage? That is should be amazing? You don’t? Hmmm.
Getting back to that scenario the Talmud told us about Tu B’Av – this notion of caring enough about your marriage is actually hidden in the story. It’s right there at the end when it tells us the words of the “unattractive” ones to their potential mates. “Make your decision of whom to wed based on ‘for the sake of heaven’ (i.e. for no ulterior motives) provided that you adorn us with golden jewelry.”
What are those “unattractive ones” – the ones not blessed with natural beauty or a prestigious family lineage – telling us? They are saying that anyone can become beautiful. That anyone can become Royalty. How so? You have to make the effort to make them that. To adorn another so that she becomes beautiful, so that she becomes Royalty. To dress her up and drape her in gold.
We all know that prayer is not enough. It has to be coupled with our efforts to make what we pray for come about. It is a combo pack. A one-two punch. Prayer and Effort.
So if you’re not praying for your marriage, my guess is that you might not be making enough of an effort in your marriage. You’re not doing enough to adorn it in gold. And conversely, when you put in the work for a wonderful marriage, good chance you are probably praying for it too. We know this is the case when it comes to health, when it comes to our livelihood and when it comes to raising kids. We make the effort and we pray. We do both.
Make sure you do the same with the love of your life. To do everything you can to provide whatever gold you have to adorn her and make her beautiful. Make the effort to beautify your significant other… and make sure you pray for a great marriage. They always go together.
When you call my name
It’s like a little prayer
I’m down on my knees
I wanna take you there
In the midnight hour
I can feel your power
Just like a prayer
You know I’ll take you there
– Madonna
