Sukkot: The Entitled Generation

A number of years back there was a NY Times piece about the challenges some parents were facing when the economy started to go south. (My apologies for quoting that Israel-hating rag.) The article outlined the great strain some parents were facing by having to – for the very first time – say NO to their teenage kids. Gasp!

With inflation steadily climbing and some having financial strains it might be a good time to (re)acquaint ourselves on how not to raise your children and how to improve their chances at finding real happiness, during economic downturns and even during years of plenty. The chag of Sukkot has something to say about this.

The article pointed out that some parents have a tough time saying “No” to their child’s every whim. Sometimes it was just easier to say, ‘O.K., whatever,’ than to have the battle of ‘no,’ said one parent.

Indulged. Entitled … (These children) were raised … by parents who believed that keeping children happy, stimulated and successful, no matter the cost, was an unassailable virtue. A recent study found that nearly 75 percent of parents caved in to their children’s nagging for new video games, half within two weeks. 

“Parents are going to feel they’re not giving their kids everything,” said Madeline Levine, a California psychologist who writes about adolescents in her book “The Price of Privilege.” “The kids are going to be confused. They’ve never known not having what they want. And the parents are going to have to tolerate their kids’ anger.” One mom said her teenagers have become angrier and more argumentative about money. “They seem so selfish,” she said. She wondered whether the fault was hers, whether that early lavishness was a parental failing.

Ya think? 

I have a confession. When we raised our children, I kind of relished saying no to my kids. I saw it as an opportunity to teach them an important life lesson – that you can’t get everything you want just because you want it. And when they responded, “But everyone…” Or “But all my friends have…” then I was even more motivated to nix it. I wanted to make sure my kids were not following the masses of what everyone wants or thinks.  Because a general rule in life is that if everyone thinks it’s good, it’s probably trash.  

It was my job as a parent to teach them to be responsible, do chores around the house and to have them realize that happiness is not dependent on having their every whim met. Nay, giving children everything they want at the moment they want it is the sure path to their future frustration and disappointment. There is no greater lesson for kids to learn than delayed gratification. It’s how Karen and I were raised and it’s what we strived to pass on to our children, with the hope that they do the same for their kids. 

And this is the simple lesson of Sukkot. 

Dwelling in the Sukkah teaches us to get back to the more fundamental things in life. We extricate ourselves from the trappings that society insists we must have in order to achieve happiness. The Sukkah allows us to get back to basics and to refocus on what is truly important in life. All the stuff that the PR machines of Apple, Adidas, Balenciaga, BMW, etc. tell us are so crucial to our happiness are exposed to be fake when we find ourselves in much simpler surroundings like a Sukkah.

This is the primary message of Sukkot, the holiday called זמן שמחתנו- the time of our joy. Joy and Happiness are achieved when we get up and leave the creature comforts of our home, even for a short time. Joy and Happiness are found when we are able to break free from the excess of the material world that we are led to believe to be necessary and crucial to be happy. To just walk away from them at will. 

Sukkot is the exact opposite mindset of those parents who “believed that keeping children happy, stimulated and successful, no matter the cost (by giving into their every whim), was an unassailable virtue”. Virtue? Hardly. Unassailable vice is a more apt description. 

Only when we know that our happiness is not dependent on any thing – then and only then are we able to really enjoy those things. It’s funny how that works out isn’t it? When we understand that whatever we have is a gift from God and not something that is מגיע לי “coming to me” that I somehow deserve it – then we can get more joy from it. Taking joy in meaningful things like our families, our Torah and our traditions, and living a life guided by morals and values are the things that really bring happiness, and it’s only then that we can utilize our possessions to add to our happiness, but in no way to define ourselves by them.  

Want happy kids? Want happy adults? Drag them from their stuff, turn off their phones and sit with them in a simple Sukkah adorned by nature, and share stories, wisdom, good food and family time with them. They will be forever indebted to you for teaching them this most valuable lessons in life – the lesson of how to achieve true Joy and Happiness.  

You can’t always get what you want
You can’t always get what you want
You can’t always get what you want
But if you try sometimes, well, you just might find
You get what you need

-The Rolling Stones